I’ve always been curious about different family styles. So, I asked 10 single mothers by choice to share their experiences. They talked about making the decision, the highs and lows of solo parenting, discussing donor conception with kids, and the joys of going it alone…
On Making the Decision
“I knew I wanted to have kids, preferably through pregnancy, and that time was a factor. As I got closer to 35 and found myself still single, I decided that I didn’t want to lose my chance at being a mom. I could find a husband at any age, but that wasn’t true for getting pregnant.” — Sharon, 42, who has five-year-old twin daughters
“After a miscarriage and then a sudden divorce, I longed for the weight of my baby in my arms. I dated for a few years post-divorce and had a relationship that ended because he was on the fence about having kids. My route to parenthood wasn’t the most typical, but my family and friends knew how badly I wanted to be a mom. My boomer parents were confused at first, but then were just like, ‘Give us a grandchild!’” — Tara, 35, who has a five-month-old son
“I approached it like a research project and read every article I could about being a single mom. I googled things like ‘I regret having kids.’ I talked to friends who had kids and friends who didn’t. I mapped out what my days would look like with kids versus without, and that still didn’t come close to reality, but it was a start.” — Millicent, 42, who has a two-and-a-half-year-old son
“By the time I was 30, I knew certain things about myself. I had no desire for a husband but lots of desire for a child. And I lived in a time and place where I could make that happen. Because I didn’t care about having a partner, I didn’t go through the mourning period that some other single moms by choice seem to go through. I wasn’t giving up one dream in favor of another. I was pursuing my exact dream.” — Melissa, 62, who has a 26-year-old daughter
On Choosing a Sperm Donor
“Genetic testing allowed me to pick donors who weren’t carriers for the same things as I was. I also tried to pick donors that looked similar to my family, mainly because it felt weird to try to choose what my child might look like. I had to go through several donors before I got pregnant, so I was definitely pickier on the first few. But because of the pandemic, there were fewer and fewer options as I went through the process.” — Jessica, 40, who has a seven-month-old daughter
“Choosing the donor felt like a very big decision at the time, but that’s something I rarely think of now.” — Sharon, 42, who has five-year-old twin daughters
On Not Having a Partner
“The best and hardest parts are actually the same: I get to make all the decisions. I choose where they go to school, what pediatrician they see, what religion and traditions they’ll be raised with. But sometimes you want to run things by someone who is just as invested as you are. There is a weight to making all the decisions, and you don’t have anyone to assure you that you’re making the right ones. You don’t have someone else’s strengths to complement your weaknesses.” — Sharon, 42, who has five-year-old twin daughters
“When I hear mothers complaining about how their partners don’t help out, that feels like one place where it’s easier for me. I don’t have the added stress of either disagreeing on how to do things with the baby or the unmet expectations of how someone else is going to help out.” — Jessica, 40, who has a seven-month-old daughter
“A few weeks ago, there was a tornado warning. As I ran into the bathroom with my little guy and my dog, I felt the weight of being solely responsible. That feels heavy some days.” — Tara, 35, who has a five-month-old son
“I try to be the best mom I can be, but it’s difficult that there isn’t an in-house witness to that. On Mother’s Day, seeing all of the posts from spouses about how their partner is the ‘best mom’ is hard.” — Meredith, 40, who has a four-year-old daughter and a one-year-old son
On Preparing for an Empty Nest
“My son starts college in the fall, and I expect that becoming an empty nester as a single mother by choice might be tougher than if I had a partner (or if I had other kids at home).” — Marsha, 60, who has an 18-year-old son
“I was a bit of an island before I had a child, but I think it is the job of a parent to raise a child who can leave them, and I did not want to raise one who felt like she could not leave her ‘poor lonely’ mother behind. When she was young, I worked and parented, and there was not much time for anything else. As she got older, I tried to expand my social network and engage in community activities, so that I would have an active life when she left.” — Allison, 55, who has a 22-year-old daughter
On Male Role Models
“Raising boys, I consciously tried to keep a supply of male role models around (uncles, neighbors, friends, teachers, older neighborhood kids) and encouraged those relationships. I did wonder how they would learn to shave and tie a tie, but it turned out my kids figured that stuff out with YouTube! And, later, Reddit.” — Robin, “sixty something,” who has a 26-year-old son and 23-year-old son
“Since I had pretty much always been single, other than a few short-term relationships, I wondered, How could I help my daughter navigate that part of her life? How could I model a good relationship for her when I wasn’t in one and didn’t plan to be in one? But she looked at my parents, at her friends’ parents, and at my brother and his wife. We talked a lot about relationships, especially those we saw in TV shows, movies and books. We talked about sex and sexual relationships. And we talked about who she was dating or spending time with. At 26, she’s already had some long-term relationships, so I’m no longer worried on that front.” — Melissa, 62, who has a 26-year-old daughter
“I was concerned that my daughter would grow up to either be intimidated by men or seek out their attention inappropriately. Neither of those things happened. I made sure she spent time with great men like my father, my brother and brother in law. I asked for her to be assigned to male teachers in school. I will say she has very little tolerance for men who do not respect her, largely because she has no sense that she ‘needs’ to have a man in her life.” — Allison, 55, who has a 22-year-old daughter
On Finances and Work
“My insurance did not cover fertility treatments that weren’t between a man and a woman. All of the fertility visits, drugs, and procedures cost about $50,000. I was lucky that I had a well-paying job at that point and that I had saved up a lot. ” — Sharon, 42, who has five-year-old twin daughters
“Finances were the primary reason I stopped with one child. I would always tell my son we had enough money for all we needed and some of what we wanted, and that was plenty. Flexibility at work is the most important element [in terms of making single motherhood feel easier]. I’ve had some great bosses and some horrible ones, and I was only ever anything close to being a great mom when I’ve had a great boss.” — Marsha, 60, who has an 18-year-old son
“My job was a huge reason I was able to become a single mom of choice. I work at a hospital, and after two years, you are eligible for half off fertility benefits and IVF medications through the hospital pharmacy. Still, IVF was expensive and I ended up putting some on a credit card, which I will be paying off for the next year. I upped my life insurance while I was pregnant and created a will shortly after he was born. The financial burden is something I think about a lot. ” — Tara, 35, who has a five-month-old son
On Getting Help
“One thing I realized within my online community is that many of us single mothers by choice have a personality where we like or are used to doing everything ourselves, so we have a hard time asking for help. But, as a single mom, you need to learn to ask for help. It’s easier with family, but I am always mentally trying to figure out how to do the impossible before finally realizing I can just ask someone to pick the girls up from an after-school activity. As they get older and form real friendships, I in turn become friendlier with the moms of their friends which makes it easier to ask if one of my daughters can go home with them after school or something like that.” — Sharon, 42, who has five-year-old twin daughters
“My friends have lifted us up time and again. One of my closest friends attended prenatal classes with me and kept me company while I was in labor. Later, she started hosting Sunday night dinners for us, which we’ve attended almost every week since lockdown. My childhood best friend came to stay with me the week before my due date and was with me during my unplanned C-section. Because of Covid, my daughter and I spent most of her first year in isolation, but we were supported (from six feet away) by a network that just kept showing up, even though they didn’t get to cash in on the baby snuggles I promised them while I was pregnant. They brought us groceries, flowers, fresh bread, burritos, and that all-important baby Tylenol for baby’s first teething experience.” — Austen, 44, who has a two-year-old daughter
“I remember driving my son eight hours to Santa Fe when he was seven months old. I had an arsenal of toys in the passenger seat to hand back to him. We also stopped a lot. I was so stressed but so proud that I did that all on my own. That said, one of the best things anyone can do to help a single mom friend is just show up and get to work, especially right after she has the baby. Let her sleep or shower. Do the dishes and laundry. Bring food; for god’s sake, bring food.” — Millicent, 42, who has a two-and-a-half-year-old son
“It’s incredibly helpful when someone assumes responsibility for one complete task. My dad walks my daughter to school every morning. My best friend always babysits on the night of my book club. Knowing those things are entirely off my plate is a huge lift.” — Meredith, 40, who has a four-year-old daughter and a one-year-old son
“I asked for help all the time and paid for help when I could. I took short vacations away from the kids — and always came back a better mom.” — Robin, “sixty something,” who has a 26-year-old son and 23-year-old son
On Dating
“Between working and parenting, 100% of my bandwidth is used. I fantasize about having a torrid romance in my fifties when I’m near retirement and no longer have small kids at home. Who knows what will happen?” — Meredith, 40, who has a four-year-old daughter and a one-year-old son
“I do want a long-term partnership, but the thought of paying a sitter while I go on a bad first date seems terrible right now. Once my son starts daycare, I’m thinking of starting dating during my lunch hour. Choosing to become a single mom doesn’t mean that I gave up on romantic relationships. I enjoy being single, but if someone could add to my life and my son’s life, I would be thrilled.” — Tara, 35, who has a five-month-old son
On Public Response
“I live in Oklahoma, a very conservative state, but I’ve been surprised with how many people say they know someone who is a single mom by choice or are just generally happy for me.” — Millicent, 42, who has a two-and-a-half-year-old son
“Around the 12-week mark, when my OB confirmed the pregnancy, I told my coworker (who was pleased), my brother (who was startled but accepting), and then my parents. My parents were very surprised. We had never talked about plans for my future, I’d never introduced them to any boyfriends, so this felt out of the blue for them. My mother had to sit down! Of course they had questions: Could I afford it? What was I going to do about childcare? My father was very concerned about the financials, but I knew that that was his way of expressing worry for me. Once they saw that I had a handle on everything, they relaxed and were very excited about becoming grandparents.
“My paternal grandmother was really shocked when I told her I was pregnant, but it was clear that her primary concern was, ‘How am I going to explain this to the people at synagogue?’ which obviously was about her rather than me, and was pretty much the reaction I’d expected from her. I told her to tell them she was going to become a great-grandmother (she did that, later, and her friends were happy for her), and after that she sort of threw me out of her apartment. We weren’t close, so her response made no difference to me. My maternal grandmother’s love and enthusiasm more than made up for my paternal grandmother’s reaction.
“I was working in commercial publishing, which is generally a liberal field, so I expected my being pregnant wouldn’t be a big deal, and it wasn’t. I was very open about how I’d conceived. My becoming a single mom by choice was completely uncontroversial in my social circle and my work life.
“When my daughter was in elementary school, there was one mother who didn’t want our daughters to be friends because my daughter was conceived out of wedlock. The reason I remember this is because she was the only person who ever reacted like that. I found it more amusing than anything else. Our daughters weren’t close friends, just classmates. My daughter was nine or ten by then and aware that some people had different attitudes about single mothers, so I flat out told her that this mom disapproved of our family. My daughter’s reaction was basically a shrug. We ignored the mother’s disapproval and went on with our lives.” — Melissa, 62, who has a 26-year-old daughter
“I got nothing but support when I shared my plans. Some of my mom’s friends actually seemed a little bit envious that this choice was an option for me, because in order to become mothers, they didn’t see any other path besides marriage.” — Marsha, 60, who has an 18-year-old son
“I thought that my conservative community was not going to approve, but I was overwhelmed with support. People I barely know were talking about how brave I was! There are some who probably don’t agree with my choices but they thankfully stay quiet.” — Sharon, 42, who has five-year-old twin daughters
On the Power of Community
“I read a few books — Choosing Single Motherhood and Going Solo, plus Liv’s Alone which is hilarious — and listened to the great podcast Not By Accident. The world we live in is very couple focused and you get a lot of questions. When I was pregnant, my neighbor yelled across the street, ‘WHO IS THE DADDY?!?’ It was like Jerry Springer, but real life. Thankfully, I was in a weekly support group on Zoom, so I had a vibrant online community of other women who understood exactly what I was going through. In hearing the experiences of others, I felt seen and validated and knew this was the path for me. These days, I follow a lot of solo moms on Instagram and I’m in a WhatsApp group of single moms by choice all over the world whose babies were born around the same time. I have also met two local single moms by choice and that has been wonderful.” — Tara, 35, who has a five-month-old son
“It was really helpful to hear from members of Jane Mattes’s Single Mothers by Choice group who had been there before me. I knew I could succeed because I had those examples. Other members were also a great resource when I had specific questions.” — Marsha, 60, who has an 18-year-old son
On Talking to Kids
“I started telling my daughter our story when she was much too young to understand. That was partly because I wanted practice and partly because I did not ever want there to be a time she ‘found out.’ She just always knew.” — Allison, 55, who has a 22-year-old daughter
“My biggest fear was that my children would resent me for not having a father. My son is too young to know; my daughter has asked questions. My narrative is that I tried to find a man worthy of being a daddy, I couldn’t find one, and so I used a donor instead. We also talk a lot about different kinds of families and that it’s okay to want a daddy (or a sister, a cousin, etc.), but also that it’s important to remember all the people we have who love us (insert long list of people who love her).” — Meredith, 40, who has a four-year-old daughter and a one-year-old son
“What I have learned over the years is that the vast majority of donor-conceived people who are unhappy about it are people who didn’t know they were donor-conceived until their teens or adulthood. Learning the truth about their origins was wrenching because it revealed that there was a huge secret in their family, and because it’s hard, I think, not to feel some kind of shame or betrayal when you learn that your parents kept such an important thing from you. The few studies that have been done seem to indicate that donor-conceived people who have always known about their conception are generally okay with it, though of course some people are going to feel more stressed about it than others. At eight, my daughter explained to her friends that her mom went to ‘a bank, like a regular bank, but for sperm, not money,’ which was hilarious.” — Melissa, 62, who has a 26-year-old daughter
On Magic Moments
“When you’re a single mom who used a donor, there’s always an element of surprise: Did she get this trait from me? From her donor? Is it her own unique inborn nature? One of my favorite things has been watching my daughter’s sense of humor develop, and it’s been a delight to see that she loves wordplay and puns as much as I do. For example, one day she ran up to me shouting, ‘Mummy, I peed in the potty!’ She took me by the hand into the bathroom to show off…a wooden snap pea that she had carefully laid in the potty. She was beside herself with glee.” — Austen, 44, who has a two-year-old daughter
“When my son started smiling, that felt like the best thing. A little over a year ago, I was injecting myself with IVF meds and feeling quite hopeless. It took years to have this little guy, and I can’t believe I’m someone’s mom!” — Tara, 35, who has a five-month-old son
“My son and I were making different faces: a silly face, a sad face, a happy face. He said ‘make a mama face.’ I asked him what a mama face looks like and he answered ‘Happy!’ I’m so proud that he sees me that way.” — Millicent, 42, who has a two-and-a-half-year-old son
Thank you so much to everyone who shared their story! And, CoJ community, please share your stories and thoughts below, if you’d like…
P.S. Being a single mom in Iceland, and our parenting motto.
(Photo by Studio Marmellata/Stocksy.)
