Category: Lifestyle

Nowadays, Anton and Toby give us quick hugs before heading into school — no drama — but when they were younger, for the first couple weeks of each school year, they would beg, sob, and cling to me until I had to literally peel their fingers off my body. And, every fall, I see a handful of other kids doing the same thing. Even if they love school, that morning drop off can be brutal. Nothing sadder than your child desperately reaching for you while you walk away with a smile plastered on your face, like, “Bye! I’m definitely not dying inside! My heart rate is totally normal don’t worry about it!”

Through the years, I tried different strategies — listing all the fun school activities, sending them with Daddy instead of Mommy, making the goodbye quick and upbeat, reading The Kissing Hand — but none made a huge difference. Until…

One morning, as we approached his school, two-year-old Anton teared up. But instead of giving him a pep talk about the day, I decided to focus on our reunion afterward. “Anton, will you read a stack of books with me tonight?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said, sniffing.

“Are you sure?” I said. “I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to cuddle and read with you. Do you promise you will read with me???”

“Yes!” he laughed. “I promise!”

And, amazingly, he climbed out of his stroller, patted me goodbye, and toddled into school.

I couldn’t believe how well it worked, but it also made sense to me. By asking your kid to promise to hang out with you, you position yourself as completely reliable — you will definitely be there! Also, you’re giving them the power — since YOU are asking THEM — so instead of feeling out of control, they’ve become decision makers. Talking about the evening also reassures them that 1) school will end, 2) you will reunite, and 3) you will once again be happy together. It all feels very safe and certain.

Another example:
Toby: “I don’t want to go to school, I want to stay with you.”
Me: “Well, you do have to go, but do you promise me you will play blocks with me afterward?”
Toby: “Okay.”
Me: “Do you promise? Please please please?”
Toby, laughing: “Yes! I will, Mommy!”

Thoughts? Have you done this before? Anything else that helps with separations?

P.S. A surprising way to stop tantrums, and how to help a stoic kid open up about feelings.

(Photo of Toby from this post.)

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Our sixth — and final — Parenthood Around the World interview this year features Jody Driver, who lives with her kids – Maharny (23) and Shelby (15) — in Perth, Australia. “We’re very, very far from anywhere else — in fact, Perth is often called ‘the most isolated city in the world,’” she says. Here, Jody tells us about swimming babies, funny slang, and how to avoid deadly snakes…

On being remote: Perth is very, very far from anywhere else — and the isolation can be frustrating. The Indian Ocean is on one side, and the huge Australian outback is on the other. Once you leave the city, you drive through the bush for days to get to the next town. We once drove for three days without even passing another car! Since we’re so isolated, we have an extremely large population of FIFO (fly in, fly out) people who fly away to work for weeks at a time. Everyone in the city has a FIFO worker in the family or knows one. My sister is one; and my daughter’s boyfriend is one, so she lives one week on with me and one week on with him.

On funny slang: In Australia, we try to not take things too seriously, and that comes across in the way we speak. We abbreviate everything: ‘arvo’ is afternoon, ‘breky’ is breakfast, ‘mozzies’ are mosquitos, a ‘brolly’ is an umbrella, ‘avo’ is avocado. We call cursive ‘running writing’ and little kids are ‘ankle biters.’ Flip flops are ‘thongs,’ and the liquor store is a ‘bottle-o.’ Everyone’s ‘mate.’ We also saw ‘as’ on the end of lots of words — for example, ‘happy as’ or ‘annoying as’ — which means ‘very.’

On growing up on the water: I’ve never met a Perth kid who isn’t very confident at ocean diving, snorkeling and surfing. My children took swim classes and learned to float when they were nine months old. Since we’re on the coast, it’s imperative that they’re all good swimmers. Kids, including mine, often take buses straight from school to the beach. Our family also regularly eats take-out dinners on the water; we bring the dog and chill out. Everyone has a picnic blanket permanently in the boot of their car, it’s lovely.

On minimal clothing: Clothing here is super casual — people wear their bathers to the supermarket. And it’s no worries to walk from the beach to the pub in your bathers and have a drink or dine. Maybe you’ll throw a skirt on the bottom if you’re feeling fancy. Because everyone grows up outdoors in barely any clothes, there are just NO eyes batted whatsoever about body shapes. If you’ve got a body and you put a bathing suit on, then more power to you!

On an indoor/outdoor house: Since our lives are spent outside, our outdoor living areas are probably more important to us than our interiors. For example, the back wall of my house folds to open right up to the bush view. This is very common. We live in a laid-back neighborhood with many river trails to walk, cycle and kayak, and our house backs onto a stream and nature reserve. My kids have spent many nights sleeping outside in their tents and swags, just because.

On (mostly) sunny weather: Perth has more days of sunshine than any other capital city in Australia — about nine months per year. It usually only rains in the winter, which is June, July and August. We CANNOT deal with rain to a humorous degree. We will immediately cancel plans and stay home; traffic becomes a nightmare as we don’t know how to drive in it! Last winter, we had 18 straight days of rain, which had never happened before. The news covered it non-stop and did a rainy day count each night. People were literally threatening to move away.

On dangerous animals: Australia is home to 20 of the 25 most deadliest snakes and many of the deadliest spiders — including the Red Back and Funnel Web, which can kill a human in 15 minutes. All ambulances and hospitals carry anti-venoms. Still, it’s no big deal to Australians. We grew up knowing what to do: when walking in the bush, we stomp our feet to scare the snakes away, and we bang our shoes on the ground before putting them on. And even little kids know how to put a container over a spider, slip some paper underneath and take it outside. No big deal!!! That said, there was an episode of Peppa Pig where Daddy Pig said ‘spiders can’t hurt you,’ and it was deemed inappropriate for Aussie kids and pulled off air in Australia — I was glad to hear that.

On toast with toppings: At every single party, we serve ‘fairy bread,’ which is white bread with butter and sprinkles. It’s not just for kids — adults eat it, too. My family also loves Vegemite [a thick brown paste made from brewer’s yeast]. Non-Australians often think it’s gross but that’s just because they’re using it incorrectly. We spread it on toast in tiny thin ‘scrapes,’ not thick amounts like honey or jam; and we also add large amount of butter.

On social drinking: Drinking is very, very common. On weekends, everyone meets for drinks at their local pub or has a couple beers in the backyard. Babies will just sleep in their prams or mats under the table. When I was a kid, drinking as a teenager was a pretty big thing, but nowadays it seems less so, to be honest. Australian kids have very active lifestyles and usually play three or four sports, like junior lifesaving, basketball, hockey, riding horses, etc., which redirects them from overdoing it. Little story: When I was three, my dad took me to the pub to have a couple of beers and give mum a break, but before he left, he went to the bathroom and forgot he’d brought me and drove home without me! When he got home, my mum asked, ‘Where’s Jody?’ He drove straight back to find me sitting on the bar with a bag of chips and a Fire Engine (lemonade with red cordial that all kids drink at the pub), happy as can be because everyone knew who I was and who I belonged to.

On shifting expectations: My kids and I agree that we still have a good ways to go in the way our society treats boys and girls. We have a pay gap, and Australia has a very ‘blokey’ culture. An ‘Aussie male’ is expected to be tough and resilient, whilst girls are often expected to follow traditionally ‘female’ paths. Also, women and men usually socialize separately, even at a group gathering. Women do the bulk of the childcare and housework, and this is a continual frustration for women. Many, many women I know have left their husbands in their 40s with this being a HUGE factor, as it was for me. These days, we work full time, often earn as much if not more than our husbands, and are still expected to do everything else. There is very little stigma in being separated, and I’ve faced none. Culturally, Australian women are very independent and capable.

On local colleges: Our kids don’t really move away for university and instead go to one of the universities in their closest city. Honestly, nobody cares what university you go to, and I’ve never been asked where I went ever! Australian kids rarely live in dorms, since the cost of living is so high that they can’t afford the rent. Instead, my daughter and all of her friends live at home while at university — and often afterward, too. My eldest finished her psychology degree last year and is now doing her Masters in Social Work and will absolutely live at home until she is finished. I love it and do worry about my kids leaving home one day. I know it’s inevitable, but I’ll miss them dreadfully.

Thank you, Jody!

P.S. More Parenthood Around the World posts, including Wales, Italy and South Korea.

(Family/home photos by Hannah Jones for Cup of Jo. Perth landscape photos by Hello Perth/Stocksy, Neal Pritchard/Stocksy, Gillian Vann/Stocksy, and Rowena Naylor/Stocksy.)

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What are you up to this weekend? We’re having sleepovers tonight! The fridge is stocked with snacks and sodas. The boys are SO excited, and I’m exhausted already, haha. Hope you have a good one, and here are a few fun links from around the web…

I’ll be spending the weekend wearing these.

Can we talk about dating apps and how there has to be a better way? “Apparently in Norway when you go hiking in the mountains, green buffs or hats mean you are single, and red mean you are in a relationship.”

Monster cookies.

What I imagine strangers think about me when they see me reading a book in public. “That girl could be on her phone but she chose to read a book instead. I bet she has never watched a full season of ‘House Hunters International’ in a single day.” (New Yorker)

Found my forever Halloween costume! The kids went bananas.

Oooh, wouldn’t you love a pink kitchen?

The nap bishop is spreading the good word: rest. “I judge success by how many naps I took in a week, and how many times I told somebody no; how many boundaries I upheld,” Tricia Hersey says. (NYTimes gift link)

Great news: Primary Kids is running 30% off your entire order plus free shipping with code COJ30. Highly recommend these shirts and their sweaters.

This parenting comic, haha.

LOVING fall clothes with great timeless color combos — exhibit A, exhibit B.

How to help someone going through a tough time. “If a person going through stressful shit would like a mani-pedi, she is not going to take herself there because she’ll probably be worried the whole time and it will not be enjoyable. Other-care is what’s needed. My offer to new mom acquaintances is always ‘I will come to your house, and fold laundry, do dishes, and clean your bathroom and not talk to you, and be another adult in the room if you need to use the toilet without bringing the baby in with you, and I don’t know you well enough for you to care what I think or have you feel like you need to entertain me’… Or, ‘I am picking up all your laundry and taking it home with me and washing/drying/folding it for you, see you later when I come back with your clean clothing and some dinner.’”

What a beautiful statue.

Plus, three reader comments:

Says Allison on how many kids do you have: “I always wanted four kids. Three years of IVF later, I have one sweet, perfect baby son. Getting here was, at times, heartbreakingly difficult. I would do it all again (and plan to!) but if he ends up being our only, he will be so much more than enough.”
Replies Silly Lily: “Allison, you MUST embroider this and hang it over your baby’s crib… actually it should be hanging over every baby’s crib: MORE THAN ENOUGH.”

Says Noelle on how to meal plan: “We instituted Muffin Monday, which gives us something to look forward to on Mondays and also means one less night to plan for. We make a big batch of muffins each Monday evening (saving the leftovers for breakfast) and scrambled eggs. Everyone is happy.”

Says Morgan on hot dads in children’s books: “Shout out to Richard from the original 1987 Guess Who. My grandma and I always talked about how kind his eyes are. Turns out my husband of 19 years looks a lot like Richard (read: kind eyes), and when I play the game with my daughters they refer to him as Papa. ‘Is your person Papa?’ Step lively folks, dreams really DO come true.”

(Photo of our dining room via Cup of Jo’s Instagram. Statue link via Carissa Potter.)

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This fall, New York City feels like a sea of slouchy sweaters, baggy jeans, funky colors and big sneakers. It’s invigorating! So, last week, the Cup of Jo team and I hit the streets to ask people what they were up to and what inspired their outfits. Here’s what they said…

Naledi and Octavia
Occupation: Marketing manager (Naledi) and writer (Octavia)
Live in: Berlin

The highlight of our week: Naledi: “Coming to New York. We’re both half American and half German and are currently living in Berlin. We met there because we’re so fab! And our friend is getting married in Manhattan tomorrow, so today we’re getting manicures and preparing for the big day.”

The story behind my look: Naledi: “I don’t usually shop fast fashion, but I’d looked in every vintage shop for baggy pants and casual tops. When I couldn’t find anything good, I thought ‘f*ck it.’ I went to H&M for this shirt and these bottoms — I love the length. Then I have Martine Rose x Nike Shox and a Pink Siifu tote; and my glasses are from a Publix supermarket.”

My thought process while getting dressed: Octavia: “Since I was meeting up with my bestie, I wanted to be comfortable. But the sun came out, and now I’m burning up. My sweater is by Maska, my pants are from Sefr, and my shoes are Adidas Superstar.”

Mary Margaret (“How Irish can you get?”)
Occupation: Homemaker
Lives in: Berkeley, California

What I’m doing today: “My son and his wife live in Bed-Stuy, and I’m visiting them. He just turned 40. I can’t believe it. You can’t say, ‘I have a kid that is 40!’ This afternoon, I’m just bopping around. I just got a cone with cereal milk ice cream — it was delicious.”

My approach to style: “High and low is the thing for me. Here, my Vermont Country Store shirt is low, and my Anne et Valentin glasses are high. My pants — by Jag — are in the middle.”

Mayu
Occupation: Mother of four
Lives in: Soho, Manhattan

What it’s like parenting dogs and humans: “My three dogs take more energy than my four kids! I need clothes that are easy for walking quickly but still look cool.”

The story behind this look: “My hat and jacket are from the Hard Rock Hotel. We took a family trip to Atlantic City and went to the pool and amusement park. Everyone, including the dogs, ran around on the sand. The skirt is from Japan, and my shoes are New Balance.”

Faten Gaddess
Occupation: Photographer
Lives in: Nolita, Manhattan

How my day is going: “We had a rainy week, so I’m out enjoying the weather. Someone else just came up to take a picture of me, too. He usually sells his work, but he said ‘No, it’s for you.’ I guess this is my day!”

What I’m wearing: “My cardigan is from Uniqlo, many years ago. The pants were a birthday gift from a friend, and this is a vintage purse. Plus, a J.Crew shirt and Doc Martens.”

How I’d describe my style: “Right now I’m wearing neutrals, but I love colors. I’m like — I know the word in French but how do you say it in English — a rainbow.”

Megan and Kirisu
Occupation: Designer (Megan) and actress (Kirisu)
Lives in: Upper West Side (Megan) and Tokyo (Kirisu)

What we’re up to: Megan: “I work at a clothing store down the street called Les Miss. Kirisu is my cousin; she’s a musical-theater actress in Japan. She’s about to perform in a bunch of shows in Tokyo.”

What I’m wearing: Megan: “Today I’m going with earth tones. This shirt is by my tie-dye brand Plant Girl NYC. My pants are Le Gatte from Poshmark, purse is from Depop, and then I have my Uggs.

The story behind my look: Kirisu: “I like an elegant look, so I chose a vintage gold belt and gold jewelry. My dress is from Zara. The shoes are from a shop in Shimokitazawa, a neighborhood in Tokyo that is very popular with young people; there’s a ton of American vintage. And my clip is from the ‘$3 shop’ in Japan.”

Signe Pierce
Occupation: Artist. High-end dog walker. Energy guru. Renaissance woman.
Lives in: New York City and L.A.

What I’m up to: “Right before I walked the dog, I did an energy session with a girl, so the vibe is really pumped.”

How I’d describe my look: “I always dress bright. I’m a neon bitch, so this is a standard look for me. I got this jacket for $2 in Mexico City. These are workout shorts I’ve had forever. And the top is from Rainbow.”

How the pandemic changed my style: “I’ve been going through a glow-up transition for the past two years, and my philosophy is you should be your higher self every day.”

Reggie
Occupation: Artist and designer
Lives in: NoHo, Manhattan

What I’m doing today: “Getting a smoothie from the Baya Bar and heading to the studio.” 

My life motto: “How you do anything is how you do everything.”

What I’m wearing: “I make clothes and sell online at @faithnsound. Right now, I’m wearing Faithnsound sweats, Faithnsound Pumas, Faithnsound hat.”

My top fashion tip: “Be yourself. Have a blessed day.”

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For me, stopping strangers on the street to ask them questions was equally terrifying and exhilarating. Every time I pulled someone aside, I would think, “Are they down to chat? Will they reject me?!” In the beginning, we got a lot of ‘no’s because people were confused or in a hurry, but we persevered! And we also warmed up to it all. I’m thrilled that we did, because we got to peek into the lives and closets of so many kind and fascinating souls.

What styles are you wearing this fall? And which city would you like us to outfit scout next?!! Please share below…

P.S. Seven NYC City Hall weddings, and what Joanna learned after 20 years in NYC.

(Photos by Christine Han.)

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I am a fat queer Black woman, and the world doesn’t seem designed for me. Whenever I want to travel, questions flood my mind: Is the destination safe for Black people? Is it safe for women? Can I fit? Will people take photos? How can I navigate it all? Traveling used to make me panic; the shame of being seen is real. I used to think being uncomfortable was the hallmark of traveling (and living). Thankfully, therapy has helped unpack weight I should not have to carry, and traveling is now something I look forward to. Everyone deserves a Nancy Meyers-esque vacation.

Here are four tips I’ve found helpful:

1. Ask for exactly what you need. Need a seatbelt extender? I used to ask for one when boarding, and now I carry an FAA-approved one with me everywhere. If you’re flying Southwest, you can also ask the gate agent for an extra seat, if there’s one available, at no extra cost to you. Unfortunately, not every airline offers this, but talk to the crew at the gate. If you need extra time to get on the plane, pre-boarding is available to you. Upgrading your flight cabin can also be extremely low cost at times or even complementary; I recommend talking to the gate agent about what accommodations they have. As my mom always says, “Asking is free.”

2. Research. Talk to friends who have been to your destination and ask, is it safe for Black people? This stunned my white friends the first time I asked because it was never something they’d needed to consider. I also scout out Black-owned restaurants and plus-size boutiques to find something more tailored to me. This article on safe queer Black travel is incredibly helpful. Also, downloading offline maps from Google is a game changer in case you find yourself in an area without SIM card or wifi accessibility.

3. Meet up. Find your people — there are so many cool travel groups out there! Melanin on the Map is a travel app dedicated to people of color, Travel Noire helps you find Black communities abroad, Out Adventures is a long-time travel staple for LGBTQ+ folx, and WHOA Travel focuses on safe, fun travel at any size. I guarantee there’s a group out there for you.

4. Take up space and take no shit. Listen, I am a born-and-raised southsider from Chicago. We are nice with mean faces, and that is on purpose. Why can’t I question the way society functions? My entire life, I was taught to hide and apologize for the space I took up. But no more. Who has the time?

When I walk into a room, some people may have thoughts about who I am and how I live before they know my name. But my identifying intersections are what make me an amazing person that deserves to travel the world. You’re gonna get this skin, this body, this hair, and this gay lady all up in your face without apology. And she’s gonna have FUN. This leaves me with two questions for you: What has helped you navigate your intersections while traveling? And who is trying to go to Croatia with me in 2023?

Abbey Mallett is a freelance writer and editor at Joy The Baker. You can find her tucked in her Chicago house, surrounded by plants and crystals. Follow her on Instagram, if you’d like.

P.S. Traveling while Black and 15 reader comments on travel.

(Photo of Abby by Breyon Brown.)

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When I was cooking for two young, busy kids, I was the Master of the Master Plan, drawing up a list of dinners we’d make that week along with a shopping list of ingredients, then hitting the supermarket on Sunday so I’d be ready to go when Monday night came at me fast and furious. These days, with only two people at the table, both of whom have predictable schedules and appetites, we still shop for the week with meals in mind, but we can wing it a little more — we can make tofu at the last minute even if the original plan was to have chicken! Still, if the goal is to have a moment of reprieve at the end of every day, a moment to sit down to dinner in an intentional way, there are some basic strategies to help make that happen.

1. Keep the Rotation Tight If That’s Where You Are Right Now

First and most important: If you’d currently use term “whack-a-mole” to describe the way dinner gets decided in your house, just a reminder that it’s okay to plan on the same tight rotation of recipes week after week because they are easy and (crucial) because you know everyone will eat. Don’t waste energy on feeling like you have to be creative or innovative. Maybe that means eight straight Mondays of Bianca’s empanadas or broccoli quesadillas? Maybe every Tuesday it’s a store-bought rotisserie chicken or Annie’s Mac & Cheese! Only you know that one meal that everyone on your house eats and that you can pull together when your battery is running low. In summation: If they like it, if they eat it, it’s good. Later, when you are an empty nester missing the chaos, you can go ahead and experiment with one of those dozens of Kenji YouTube recipes you’ve bookmarked.

2. Pick the Right Recipes for the Right Days

Monday meals in my house are almost always in the category of Extra Simple. I learned pretty quickly that the key for making it through the week is to mentally pace myself. It does me no good to spend time and energy on some multi-pot casserole if it’s just going to remind me how much I dread the clean-up (and, more to the point, begging the kids to help with the clean-up). Likewise, at the other end of the week, I think of Thursday almost always as a Use it or Lose it Night, something that takes advantage of the odds and ends of a vegetable crisper or pantry — Vegetable Fried Rice, Frittatas, Chopped Salads.

3. Have a Well-Stocked Pantry

There’s a reason every cookbook has an opening section dedicated to staples and pantry ingredients to always have on hand. If you have a decent supply of oils (olive, vegetable, sesame), vinegars (red wine, rice, white wine, distilled), condiments (ketchup, mayonnaise, pickled things, Sriracha, hoisin, whole grain and Dijon mustards, tamarind sauce), and legumes and grains (brown and basmati rice, lentils, white, black, and pinto beans), meal planning gets a lot easier. Nothing will get you to throw your dinner-making hands up faster than having to stop everything and run to the store to pick up a jar of smoked paprika.

4. Be Your Own Sous Chef

I used to take a half hour on the weekend to make just one meal for the freezer: a batch of chili, veggie burgers, brothy beans. I called this Sunday Sous Cheffing, and it was so satisfying knowing that a dinner was already done for the week, I just had to pick the night I needed it the most. If it’s too hard to swing a complete meal, you can start simple with a salad dressing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If dressing is the only homemade moment on the dinner plate, dinner’s going to be a success.

5. Think General Vehicle, Not Specific Recipe

Before I was a Weekday Vegetarian, I’d build most of my dinners around an animal protein, and the formula was simple and traditional: meat + starch + vegetable. These days, I strategize dinner ideas mostly by vehicle. As in: I’m in the mood for a big salad tonight or I’m in the mood for tacos. Almost everything I make when I’m busy is in the form of a pizza, a grain bowl, a taco, pasta, salad or soup — all vehicles for dishes I know my family will like and that I can make without referring to a recipe. So, that’s where I start: Not “What should I have for dinner,” but “What kind of dinner am I in the mood for?” It’s subtle but game-changing.

P.S. A five-ingredient chicken dinner and secrets to stress-free family dinners.

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It’s safe to say fall has officially descended, ushering in cooler temps and pumpkin spice everything. When it comes to this season, I can never get enough. Bring on the cozy cardigans, the changing leaves reminiscent of When Harry Met Sally scenes, and the reemergence of boots.

How is your autumn so far? My life these days has been a cycle of write-run-repeat. I’ve been working on various books and a newsletter, and I’m training for the New York City marathon, which means I’ve been VERY particular about footwear. A blister could derail everything, so only the most comfortable shoes will do.

When I heard about Nisolo’s new everyday ankle booties, I was equal parts excited and skeptical. I had no doubts about their cuteness and versatility — those are plain to see — but could new leather shoes be comfortable from day one?

From the moment I put them on, I felt like I’d been wearing them for months. The insoles are made with memory foam, akin to walking on little clouds that gently mold to your feet. It’s the best of both worlds — the look of boots on the outside and the comfort of sneakers on the inside.

And I love how you can just pull them on, making them as easy to slip into as sandals or flats. Plus, they come in five colors. (I love the black ones so much I’ve been considering getting the grey.)

Nisolo is known for creating the go-to styles we’ve lived in for years, like oxfords, clogs and these wear-with-anything mules.

They also make beautiful bags, like this handwoven tote, which comes in two colors and is the perfect size for a laptop and everyday essentials. (If you’re like me and carry a book everywhere, that will easily fit, too.)

Last but not least, they’re a company who cares. As a top-rated Certified B Corporation, Nisolo is committed to its social and environmental impact. Every purchase provides a living wage to producers across the supply chain and helps protect trees from deforestation in the Amazon basin. They’re also a Climate Neutral Certified Brand — measuring, reducing, and offsetting their carbon emissions by 100%.

Bonus for all readers: Today, Nisolo is offering Cup of Jo readers 20% off (excludes cleaning kits, masks, Ethical Marketplace) with code CUPOFJO20. Good through October 21st.

What are you most looking forward to this fall?

(Photos by Christine Han for Cup of Jo. This post is sponsored by Nisolo, a company we’ve worn and loved for years. Thank you for supporting the brands that help keep Cup of Jo running.)

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